do what you want is actually a very difficult thing to do

after working in an office for 3months, i can honestly say i'm seriously NOT cut out to be a white collar. wake up at 8am, fight for bus seats at 8.15am and fail, stand among fellow sleepy eyes and just simply read tweets. queue for lunch at 12am sharp, buy some food you don't want to eat, then feel sleepy after the lunch n go home sharp at 6pm. sleep on the whole journey back home and watch youtube to waste your time till midnight, sleep, and wake up at 8am....

it was not what i signed up for.
so many quotes that tells you to do what you want and make us buy into that, it's probably because that's what we want to hear.

to actually DO what i wanna do it's such a difficult, sacrificial, task.

I mean, it sound so simple, i just want to be an actress.

how am i going to feed myself, how am i going to contribute into my soon-to-have marriage.
how am i going to last? what's after this? will my family continue to support me despite the long-term low level job? what will my current bosses say about me?

Honestly i think about leaving every other day. because it's not what i ultimately want, and i will NEVER love it. (it doesnt help when my fellow neighbours are leaving soon...) but it put food on the table. i meet all sorts of stupid people, but it  enlarges my view on character observations.

i know that by the time i quit after the wedding, i will have so many connections and so many responsible, i'll get so dependent... and will not leave.

i want to propose another idea so that i have more time on my craft. but i have fear, after all, they only knew me for months and don't know what do i love. their perception of me is opposite of me. 

so it's really difficult, i finally understood why people gave it all up half way.

but no, i wont give up, i dont give up and i can't give up.
This is something in-built. it's like the weather app in ur iphone, it doesn't do many things, and it can't be deleted. but when it comes to telling the weather, it is the best app to look to.

just like acting. it doesn't help much in my life, it doesn't go away. i'll use it often so that it gets better. and when the right time come and this is the best skill ever to have.

update on acting:

been going auditions every week. which is superb momentum. but i HOPE this will translate to jobs every week. wah best!

people seen my PIZZA HUT TVC. quite abit of air time. ppl calling mom to tell her they saw me eating pizza everywhere. that's sweet. but i've finished my pizza and it's not paid yet. gosh. this time and date still got people defer payment.

tv series with Yvonne Lim, Jessica Liu n Christopher Lee showing on 25 Oct. but CRAP i will only see xinmsn.com.... cuz it's 17 DAYS TO DA WEDDING SHOOT!! :D :D :D